Sigh. Hmmm.

Well this will be short because it is more of vent session than anything. I am sure others feel the same way in their lives. I often feel doomed, just doomed because of the negative things that happen in my life that effect my life or the ones in it.

I have a good life, no doubt but it always seems to be something. No matter how much I battle feeling doomed, something always seems to happen that just makes sigh and feel blue.

In the past, I have been a pretty emotional person and I still am but I think I just handle it differently now. So I try not to over react to certain situations but gosh, I tell you there are times where it is hard to battle that and keep myself like feeling doomed. Everything always gets better and I do believe everything happens for reason just not sure why on the latest two situations. Sigh.

Hmmm

Hmmm that is all I can say. There is so much that goes on in my mind but I cannot seem to get it out. I used to be so good at getting things out especially when writing or typing. I know there is something that needs to come out but there are to many jumbled thoughts. I am so busy at work and this past week just drained everything out of me. I have always struggled with work life balance. My son was and is always first but now that he is older he does not need me as much because he can drive himself, feed himself etc.

I have been able to help a homeless man a little bit here and there. Recently I gave him a new clean shirt. I saw him a few days later and he was wearing it. I wanted to get him sleeping bag but  then I noticed he had one, which he did not have before. I pray for him, so I have to say that it was God's doing. Don, the homeless man does have a jacket but it looks old and I am sure it's not that warm. Next gift will be a nice warm ski coat. I think a ski coat will be best because that way it holds up in the rain.

Someone had suggested to donate all the extra Halloween candy at work to the troops, so I ran with it. I have been collecting candy, toothbrushes and toothpaste. I am pleased with what we have and will add the stuff to another group's collection for it all to be sent off.

So what will be my next thing to d?. I love giving back, I think this is what is in me dying to come out. How do I make difference? How do I get items as I cannot afford to always use my own money? Someday the pieces will come together, they will. I pray that they will.  Pay it forward. Give to others that is what I want to do.

Let Go!

Learning to let go has been a big part of my life lately. With a son who is now 18 and in college but still living at home is great and not so great at the same time. It was a big adjustment not only for me but for my son. We had our battles but finally when he stopped hanging out with who he was hanging out with things went back to normal. He started to focus more on school and baseball and now things are falling into place for him.

It is hard to let go when you see your son not being himself, not being true to who he is so I prayed and prayed and prayed. God presented himself and my son found his way again. At this point in my son's life I guess all I can do is pray. I can tell him what I think and what I see but in his mind he is 18 and he knows everything right? Ha ha us adults, adults that have been adults longer than an 18 year old know the answer to that... Well most of us do anyway.

Things I need to let go is Fear, Fear, the unknown and what I have not done and should have done in life. I think way to much on what I should have done or not done. 

For now I will rest my brain and watch the Giants game. Go Giants!

Reflecting

My son has been on his flight to Africa for several hours with many more to go. No contact, talk about letting go. I have no choice, can't check on him to make sure he took his Malaria pill or if he has eaten m slept and if he is keeping himself hydrated.

I am not sure I am liking the no contact thing but it will be good growth for me as a mother. Instead of thinking, dwelling on the fact that I can not check on him I can reflect on what others have told me. Maybe God is speaking through them to me to help me relax and realize he will be alright.

Lately, I have been told what a great kid my son is by others. How they really enjoy him and how the kids (at his new school) really like him. He has fit right in and seems to be well liked. Today, at the airport one of the staff introduced herself and told me how she feels bummed that my son did not go to that school when he was in 9th grade, she would have loved to have him. She said what a good kid he is.....  I believe my son has found a place he can be himself, is accepted for who he is and is appreciated for the person he is and wants to be. This brings me comfort and with that maybe I can get a good night sleep tonight. I leave my son in God's hands.

Far Away Trip

So it's been said that letting go of your child starts the day the child is born. I think I have held on tightly but not as tightly as others and probably less than others. Each parent, each child are different and I believe you have to handle your child in the way that is best for your child. I believe I have done this but he has matured, so now it is time to reevaluate.

I let go when he was in 6th grade when he went on his science trip, again in the 8th grade for the trip to D.C. Of course, there has been shorter trips throughout the years. This year as a Junior he is on his way to Malawi, Africa. I have tried to play it cool because I know I will drive him nuts with my fussing over him but it is a huge trip not only for him but me and I am not even going.

He is going with a great group of staff from his school and a great group of students from his school. I am proud of him for choosing and being selected to go to Africa and that he has had no fears about going.

Here I sit when I should be doing other things but the worry is heavy. I know I need to give my worry up to God as he will relive me of this feeling. The morning has a lot of chaos with the airline overbooking, confusion about how many bags each can check in, not having tickets or boarding passes for some of the connecting flights. I praise the woman who handled all of this as I know I felt stress and I was there for support for my son.

Letting go, I have no choice today but to let go. I cannot keep asking him or having him check for his passport and wallet. Does he have everything? Will he be careful not to lose anything?Will he get separated from the group? Will he feel alright? Will he lose his tickets? Will he drink the water in Africa even though I have told NOT to? The questions go on and on and on. The heavy feeling in my chest does not let up but it is time to let go. To trust the Lord that my son will be alright, he will not get lost, he will remember to take his medication, he will not get separated from the group. The flights and bus rides will make it to their designation safely.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. This is only day one! Will I get better or worse as the time goes? I guess only time will tell.